[Chuck] Gap toothed? Yes! Blind? Kinda! Raised by bikers? I wish!

Finally, your bitter blind broke gap-toothed radio show host of "This is Hell" has begun to blog.

Right now, we're in the midst of booking tomorrow's show and updating our web site (http://www.thisishell.net). So I just wanted to assure each and every one of you that the beer I spilt on my keyboard the night I was notified of winning has finally dried up ... or soaked in. Whatever. It works again.

When PRX called me to tell me that "This is Hell" had been selected as a semifinalist in this competition, I couldn't believe it. We all figured that there wasn't a chance in, well, hell that we would be chosen.

My caller ID displayed "Smith, Israel" so I went online and Googled his name. Then I asked myself, why and how would a 19th century New Hampshire governor be contacting me? When he called back, I was frightened and confused as to how the dead could get my unlisted phone number.

As cats are often said to be more attuned to this kinda thing, mine bolted out the back door and I had to put the judges on hold.

This really is an honor and having "This is Hell" selected tells us one of two things. Either 1) we have amazing listeners who showed their support for our program; or 2) not only am I questioning Noam Chomsky's sanity for believing This is Hell is "sanity in talk radio," but we're questioning that of the judges, too.

However, as karma would have it, my luck quickly changed. Not only did I fully kreuzen my keyboard, but that night my girlfriend's car's back windshield was vandalized and completely destroyed.

Now, about my picture. Some have suggested that my looks should not be critiqued or analyzed. I completely disagree. If you put your mug out there you gotta be open to anything anyone says about it. Speaking of which, I should have got my mug shot from the East Lansing, Mihigan police and posted that instead.

No, there's no gap-tooth grin in my pic but, ladies and gentlemn, it's not one of your David Letterman gaps. It's the kind that's farther back in my cavernous maw where, due to poor dental hygiene, lack of insurance, and the Regan administration's rule change making it so Medicare insured folks can't get their cavities filled any more, I'm missing four teeth farther back in my head.

And those cheap sunglasses. See, I'm legally blind since birth due to an atrophed optic nerve. This causes complete color blindness, lack of depth perception, something around 20/250 vision and solar sensitivity. In other words, I have to wear sunglasses in daylight or I can't see at all.

This condition makes it so I cannot drive a car ... legally. C'mon, I was born in Detroit and raised just across Eight Mile from the east side. I know how to drive. You just don't want to be on the same street when I do. Though there is talk of a prescription windshield in the works ...

My condition is called optic nerve hypoplasia. If you want to know more, check out this regretably named link, http://www.blindbabies.org/factsheet_onh.htm

Lastly, as I have to go beg someone to be our last guest on the show tomorrow morning, I hope you all had the chance to see my profile before the correct one was posted ... because the mistaken one was far more entertaining.

Here's what it read and my comments on each response to the question "What would people be surprised to learn about you?":

"That I was raised by bikers."

(I wish. Tht would be far more cool then being raiised by a non-union factory manager and his saintly wife.)

"That I can play wild guitar."

(I can't even play tame ones.)

"That I don't drink."

(Yes, I drink. And listeners can buy me drinks at West Rogers Park's Cary's Lounge every Saturday following the show as we do a weekly meet & greet there.)

"That I was an administrative assistant to one of the country's leading venture capitalists."

(Look at that pic again. Do you think a venture capitalist is going to hire that guy? Maybe have him arrested, but hired?)

"That I survived a serious head injury back in the 80s."

(Well, I did have a nerve encasing tumor removed that made it so the top of my dome is numb. And I'm pretty sure I was concussed several times but for some reason I really don't remember it that clearly.)

"That I'm almost 50."

(Okay, that's kinda true ... in that I'm 44.)

As I told the judges in an email when I notified them of the inaccurate posting, none of these really bothered me except that I don't drink.

That's just offensive.

If you get a chance. listen to This is Hell tomorrow morning from 9 AM to 1 PM (US central time) either over the air on WNUR 89.3 FM in Chicago, live online at http://www.wnur.org or when it's posted as an archive at http://www.thisishell.net

Thanks again for everyone's support and the best of luck to all the semifinalists.

Bookmark/Search this post with:

delicious | digg